“No, Mr. [Friedman], I want you to [p]ie.”

I detest Thomas Friedman. Y’all know who I’m talking about. Friedman is the quasi-sentient blabbering head and “globalist” who authored the aggressively stupid The Lexus and the Olive Tree and The World is Flat.

Even the most fleeting thought of Friedman is enough to wreck an entire day for me. The only solace I have on such days is knowing that a talent-free sack of shit such as Friedman would be among the first to die if the global free market social Darwinist meritocracy he advocates ever comes to pass.

Well, that was my only solace. Now I also have this.

H/T - Wonkette

Blawgosphere pwnt

Eric Turkewitz — attorney, proprietor of the New York Personal Injury Law Blog and, as it turns out, irrepressible scamp — pwnt a sizeable chunk of the blawgosphere yesterday with the mother of all April Fool’s Day gags. The 55-gallon drum of pwnage came in the form of this blog entry detailing the U.S. Supreme Court’s nonexistent order granting certiorari in the fantasy baseball case CBC Distribution v. Major League Baseball Advanced Media. The entry has it all: a description of the lower court proceedings; recusals from Justices Stevens, Breyer and Alito based on their participation in an intra-Court fantasy league; the federal statute requiring recusal; suggestions of possible impropriety on the part of Justices Scalia and Ginsburg for failing to recuse; personal anecdotes; and several hundred thousand links.

The ABA Journal has an abbreviated description and some comments from Mr. Turkewitz here. Well done, sir.

For my money, the only 4/1 activity that came close was the gargantuan amount of Rick Rolling that happened on YouTube yesterday. Even that was more than a little lame by comparison.

Mr. Turkewitz discusses his April Fool’s Day opus in greater detail here.

Hit That Fuckin’ Clown

GMAC Bank v. HTFC Corporation (pdf, 44 pages) is but a drop of water in the raging river of commercial litigation that runs through the federal trial courts. Or at least it was just a drop of water until plaintiff’s counsel tried to depose the defendant company’s owner/CEO.

HTFC Corp. is a “mortgage investor.” It takes loan applications and sells loans to lenders. GMAC Bank, which administers residential mortgages, contracted to buy a bunch of residential loans from HTFC. GMAC sued HTFC in federal court for breach of contract, alleging that loans at issue weren’t properly underwritten and were not “investment quality,” whatever the hell that means. HTFC filed a counterclaim for tortious interference with contract and the case proceeded.

Agonizingly boring stuff, right? Well, hang on a second, Cochise. It gets better.

Depositions are an integral part of any civil case. I can’t even count the number I’ve been involved in over the years. They generally take place at the office of a lawyer involved in the case. The lawyers get together in a room with a court reporter and a witness. The lawyer who initiated the deposition then gets information from the witness via question and answer. The court reporter transcribes the goings-on. In that respect, the process is not unlike trial testimony. In depositions, though, the atmosphere is generally much looser and subjects of proper inquiry much broader than in a courtroom. Moreover, Jones v. Clinton notwithstanding, there’s almost never a judge present.

So it was when counsel for GMAC deposed Aaron Wider, the owner and CEO of HTFC. As is typical these days, the deposition was both transcribed and videotaped. My boss has been videotaping his depositions for many years based on his belief that the presence of a camera tends to make the witness behave better.

Not so in Mr. Wider’s case. The deposition was a two-day, twelve-hour affair during which the witness exhibited explosive potty mouth on a near biblical scale. Among the highlights:

Q. [T]his is your loan file, what do Mr. and Mrs. Fitzgerald do for a living?
A. I don’t know. Open it up and find it.
Q. Look at your loan file and tell me.
A. Open it up and find it. I’m not your fucking bitch.
Q. Take a look at your loan application.
A. Do it yourself. Do it yourself. You want to do this in front of a judge. Would you prefer to [do] this in front of a judge? Then, shut the fuck up.
Q. Sir, take a look–
A. I’m taking a break. Fuck him. You open up the document. You want me to look at something, you get the document out. Earn your fucking money asshole. Isn’t the law wonderful. Better get used to it. You’ll retire when I’m done.

. . .

Q. And you have a hard time comprehending. We’re going to adjourn this deposition if this happens again because you are offending every single person.
A. Don’t speak for anybody in here except yourself fuck face.

. . .

Q. What we can do is we can have this deposition in front of a judge.
A. We can do that.
Q. And the judge can–
A. Let’s do that.
Q. No, no. We’re not going to–
A. Let’s do that; this way he can rip your ass out.
Q. We’re not going to do that, sir, okay.
A. Then don’t fuckin’ threaten me, asshole.
Q. Well, sir, I would appreciate it if you would control your language in light of the people that are present in the room and I would appreciate it if you would be a little more courteous, okay.
A. I’m very courteous.
Q. Okay. Now–
A. Let’s go in front of a judge and shut up.
Q. Sir–
A. Shut your mouth.

. . .

Q. Well, do you know the purpose for these transactions?
A. Why the fuck would I know that?
Q. I’m just asking you whether you know.
A. Why the fuck would I know that?
Q. I’m asking whether or not you know that.
A. It’s got nothing to do with the transaction. Don’t ask stupid questions. Ask smart questions.

. . .

Q. Are you very pleased with yourself, sir?
A. Yes, I am.
Q. Because you’re trying to perpetrate a fraud and hide it?
A. Go fuck yourself, Bob. Now, you’re going to have to wait.
Q. Sir, if you keep walking out–
A. Shut the fuck up.
Q. Here we go again.
A. I have a business to run.
Q. You don’t have a business to run. You have a deposition.
A. Shut the fuck up. Don’t tell me what to do. You sit there. You’re on the payroll. You can sit there and juice your client; you’re not juicing
me. [Wider leaves the room.]

. . .

Q. Is it just a coincidence Mr. Petinton was involved as the Trustee in connection with both of thoseTrusts?
A. It’s not a coincidence that I’m a genius at what I do. I obey the law and live the law. You practice the law. Sir, I’m not going to be interrupted while I am speaking. I live the law. You serve the law. You practice the law. I abide by the law and enforce the law to the fullest extent the law allows. The only difference between you and I is I have a pair of balls and you don’t. The only difference between the average person [and me] is I have a pair of balls and they don’t. You think it’s funny. I’m not the one chasing $15 million ass wipe.

My personal favorite exchange arose from Mr. Wider repeatedly calling plaintiff’s counsel a “fucking clown.” Against that backdrop the following delightful exchange occurred:

Q. Okay. You’re not employed by HTFC Corporation?
A. No, I own HTFC Corporation. Be specific.
Q. Okay. And what do the initials HTFC mean?
A. Hit That Fuckin’ Clown. That’s what it means. It’s an acronym.

The trial judge (or more likely his clerk) actually counted the cuss words and discovered that “Wider used the word ‘fuck’ and variants thereof no less than 73 times.” By contrast, the word “contract” appears but fourteen times in the entire transcript.

In the end, the judge sanctioned Mr. Wider and HTFC’s counsel — jointly and severally — to the tune of $29,322.61 in attorney fees and costs. Defense counsel’s liability was based primarily on his failure to keep Wider under control, but the court also noted that at least one point Wider’s antics had defense counsel snickering on the record.

Hit That Fuckin’ Clown’s website is available here. I double dog dare anyone to incur Mr. Wider’s wrath by stealing that super-cool money graphic on the right side of the page.

Update: Please don’t waste your time clicking on the HTFC website linked above. The link now takes you to the website of some IT company called Blue Lion Solutions. Boring, very boring.

Tort “reform” group vies for Darwin Award

Texans for Lawsuit Reform is one of many outfits that bills itself as a group of concerned citizens dedicated bringing sanity back to an out-of-control civil justice system. In truth, as with all such organizations, TLR is an assemblage of well-heeled fat cats devoted to buggering the average citizen for their own personal gain.

But TLR is also a nonprofit corporation, which means paperwork. That includes filing periodic reports with the Texas Secretary of State. Such reports are no great shakes. It’s usually a several-page boilerplate form in which the corporation has to update/verify certain information such as its business address, name and address of its registered agent for service of process, etc. Nothing to it, really.

TLR dropped the ball, though. They missed a periodic report deadline. The Secretary of State provided the written notice required by Texas law and advised TLR that it had it had 120 days to correct the delinquency. Still nothing. At that point, the Secretary of State did the only thing the law allows, namely dissolve the corporation (pdf, 1 page).

Buffoonish incompetence among Texas captains of industry is nothing new, of course, but it never ceases to amuse.

H/T - The Pop Tort

And God said, Let there be light.

Please refrain from any “suffer the children” jokes. Thanks in advance.

Naked, pre-verbal MySpace dumbasses love the President, hate the haters

H/T to Wonkette for this lovely item.

Today the folks at Worst President Ever? updated their hate mail page, and the results are predictable hysterical. Happy Goodbye Rudy Tuesday!

“I’ve had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.”

I’m usually not much for blog entries along the lines of “This is funny as hell!” together with a link, but this one warrants an exception:

Jimmy Carter: I Got What America Needs Right Here

Best. Candidate. Ever.

It’s official. I’m dumping John Edwards in favor of Lee L. Mercer, Jr. Why? Well, hell man, just look at these education credentials:

I have a doctor degree Phd. as a doctor of laws, medicine ( not practitioner of medicine, i.e. physicians, surgeons), theology, management, engineering and other subjects that are guaranteed by the United States Army in ROTC to be presented to me in a court of Law only.

I will receive my doctor degrees in a court of law only. My final graduation will be in a United States of America’s Court which was ordered by my second ROTC Board and Staff Janet Reno former U.S. Attorney General, former Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army and Secretary Of State of The United States General Colin Powell, Sr. and former Secretary of The United States Army Togo West. They will be joining me circumstantially later.

And he has a mandate:

The United States Federal Congress has encouraged me to want to become President of the United States so that I can do what the President of the United States of America is supposed to do and complete the federal and military government biography and autobiography.

And he has damn good reasons for running, including but not limited to:

17. To prove I have 1 million U.S. Military Intelligence Negro Female Lawyers and All the Negro Certified Public Accountants in the United States as the U.S. Army Military Intelligence Academy Camp Bullis San Antonio, Texas, Washington, D.C., Houston, Texas To Make up the Administration of Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) United States Amy Military Intelligence Academy Camp Bullis San Antonio, Texas, Washington, D.C., Houston, Texas my home address legalizing Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence (All Three) to be Government # 1 a Military and Federal Government Law Firm and A Certified Public Account U.S. Government Auditor Firm through Military Intelligence. Also, I have millions of other Federal Police working with me in Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International.

. . .

23. To Prove I have solved every crime in the world as it happens from zero to start to finish for every crime done in Business and Commerce Intelligence National and International.

. . .

32. To Prove President George Walker Bush, Jr. and other Public Officials have been Impeached by the United States Congress in 2004 for torture of me and my family, capital murder in my family, Espionage and other crimes against the state and humanity United States Army Criminal Investigations / Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence ( All Three ) Criminal investigations, Criminal intelligence and Criminal Interrogations of Eye Spy Community-Military Intelligence United States Army Military Intelligence Academy Washington, D.C. / Houston, Texas Solo United States of America , the United Nations and All Other Foreign Countries Public Ownership / Nationalization.

. . .

45. To Prove the definition Kill in the Random House Dictionary of the English Language College Edition Larence Urdang Editor in Chief Stuart Berg Flexner Managing Editor in All Displines across the board through Military Intelligence.

. . .

56. To Prove Jeb Bush is all in my house with disease.

. . .

70. RELIGION PROGRAM TO WORK AMERICA. The program has solved everything in the world such as 1. All the crime 2. The lack of world peace 3. All the poverty 4. All communications 5. All prejudice 6. All phenomenons guaranteed to be true by the United States Army. This is a U.S. Army FBI ROTC religion program. This made all of my Doctor’s degrees.

And he’s got a plan:

JURISDICTION

There is some concern about Jurisdiction.

All you Clinton/Obama/Edwards/Richardson/Kucinich supporters out there can go straight to hell. Lee Mercer is the MAN, and in your heart of hearts every last goddamn one of you knows it.