Do you believe that Jesus created the universe 6,000 years ago? Do you think that Jesus really was talking about making money in the Parable of Talents, thus revealing Himself as a free marketeer? Do you want every courthouse, legislative chamber and other public building festooned from stem to stern and keel to maintop with Christian schwag? Will you never rest until every word of the Pentateuch, except the ones you don’t like, becomes the supreme law of the land? Do you find yourself uttering the sentence “‘Separation of church and state’ is not in the Constitution” at least five times per day? Are you convinced that not getting your way in each and every respect proves Jesus’ admonitions about the faithful being persecuted?

If so, have we got an event for you! All hail the Family Impact Summit!

Check out that stellar list of celebrity speakers! It features Ken Blackwell and Katherine “Sugartits” Harris, the two people most directly responsible for putting and keeping our beloved President Bush in the White House. Say you’re a pastor and get in for cheap!

And just look at the titles of these panel sessions! Can you miss this event and still call yourself a True Christian? No fucking way, bitch. Sign up today!

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  • illusory tenant  On August 23, 2007 at 9:55 pm

    “Homosexual Agenda” … “Homosexuality & Youth” … “Homosexuality & Ministry” … “Gary Bauer” … Sheeit, that schedule is gayer than a big bag of penises.

  • Clutch  On August 25, 2007 at 7:26 am

    “Faith in the Public Square: Public or Private?”

    Gosh, I don’t know whether that one can be hammered out in a single session. It might get bogged down in the factual details, like that other session, “Liquid: Solid or Liquid?”

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