Category Archives: Media

Denver Post screws pooch, drops ball, endorses Romney and Clinton

Incredible. The Denver Post, supposedly the “liberal” newspaper in town, has endorsed corporate America sweethearts Mitt Romney and Hillary Rodham Clinton in advance of next Tuesday’s caucuses.

Of Romney the Post writes, “As a governor of Massachusetts, a skilled businessman and the savior of the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Romney possesses the executive acumen necessary to implement policies that produce results.”

Buh? “Executive acumen”? Isn’t this the same “liberal” editorial board that touted George W. Bush’s “executive acumen” when endorsing him for reelection in 2004? With all due respect — and precious little respect is actually due in this instance — these people wouldn’t know executive acumen if it walked up to them, introduced itself, shook their hands, tore off their heads and shit down their necks.

As to the Democratic race, the editorial board sputters:

The difference between the two candidates is that Obama’s eloquence is not matched by his achievements in the mere three years he has spent in the U.S. Senate. In contrast, Clinton’s long record in public life shows her well prepared to deal with two of America’s greatest challenges: ending the war in Iraq and solving our health insurance crisis.

On health care, the Post says, Clinton is the choice because her plan is patterned after Mitt Romney’s. And that’s a good thing because, well, because we’ve endorsed Mitt Romney! Jesus.

Regarding Iraq, the board tells us that “[w]e must end this war honorably, without betraying the brave Iraqi voters who proudly waved their ink-stained fingers to show their faith in America’s promises to the tender mercies of al-Qaeda torturers. ” Upon double-checking the URL displayed at the top of my browser, it appears that I didn’t inadvertently wander onto the Fox News website. The Post really and for true said that.

Anyhoo, Clinton is the choice to end the war “honorably” because of her service on the Senate Armed Services Committee. Never mind that she swallowed the administration’s bullshit hook, line and sinker in giving Bush carte blanche to wage war in the first place.

The numb-nuttedness is absolutely breathtaking.

On the plus side, I was more than a little at sea when my candidate, John Edwards, dropped out of the race earlier this week. The Post has done me a big favor by laying that uncertainty to rest. Obama it is!

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Dumbass Wingnut Pundits are Americans, Too

Shame on me for missing this delightful item.

Seems that Chapter 3 of Bill O’Reilly’s book Kids are Americans Too includes the sentence, “For openers, the Constitution guarantees all of us, in a famous phrase, ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.'” The “famous phrase” appears nowhere in the Constitution, and the Declaration of Independence — the document in which the statement does appear — doesn’t “guarantee[]” diddly shit.

An O’Reilly Factor viewer named Courtney Wong noticed the error and emailed O’Reilly as follows:

“Mr. O’Reilly, I really enjoyed ‘Kids Are Americans Too’ but in the first sentence of Chapter Three you say the Constitution guarantees ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.’ Isn’t that from the Declaration of Independence?”

To his credit, O’Reilly read the email on the January 3 edition of his Fox News Channel show. The correct response would have been a mea culpa along the lines of: “You’re absolutely right, Courtney. ‘Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness’ comes not from the Constitution but from the Declaration of Independence. What I was getting at, and what I should have said, was . . .”

What he actually said was:

Another excellent question, Courtney. The reason the Constitution was forged was to assure new American citizens the right to free life and access to pursue happiness in his or her own way. The Declaration was the statement; the Constitution, the instrument.

So, uh, what’s the deal? Is Bill O’Reilly not a strict constructionist? Is he reading unenumerated guarantees into the Constitution just like some sissy-boy liberal activist federal judge? Or is he just dissembling at full speed in an effort to avoid the appearance of fuckupery? Whatever the answer, he’s doing an abysmally poor job.

Odious Buffoon Found Guilty of Sexual Assault

Vincent “Don Vito” Margera, uncle of vacuous douchebag and all-around waste of life Bam Margera of Jackass and Viva La Bam fame, made a public appearance at a Denver area skate park back in August 2006. Between photo ops and signing autographs, Don Vito found time to fondle the breasts and backsides of two twelve-year-old girls and a fourteen-year-old.

While we were trying our boring-ass probate case this week, a jury in the same courthouse found Vito guilty on two of the three Sexual Assault on a Child counts against him. Vito, who weighs several thousand pounds and — from what I’ve seen of Viva La Bam — specializes in gibbering loudly and incoherently, fell to the floor screaming “Just kill me now. I can’t spend my (expletive) life in prison. I didn’t do anything.” Eight or so sheriff’s deputies managed to get Vito under control and haul his mastadonish ass out of the courtroom.

And this is only the beginning. Vito will be back in court next month to enter pleas on a whole new batch of charges relating to alleged violations of the terms of his release on bond:

On Dec. 10, Margera will appear in court to enter pleas on 12 felony counts of violating bail-bond conditions, which included checking in by telephone twice a week, random urinalysis, no contact with children younger than 18 and no drugs or alcohol.

Happy trails, Don Vito. And don’t worry. I hear tell that inmates in Colorado’s state prison system are super duper kind to child molesters.

So did he quit or what?

The entire nation is tumid with anticipation over the forthcoming Fox News rockumentary Dick Cheney: No Retreat. The “We Report, You Decide” people gave us a little taste today, reporting that Cheney disagreed with Bush’s decision to dismiss former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

But wait. Last year the Murdochian Media Cartel told us that Rummy was “resigning.” I’m confused. Please tell me what to believe, Fr. Rupert.

“Liberal Media”, my lily-white ass

The folks at Media Matters for America conducted a study on syndicated columnists published in newspaper op-ed pages and found that conservatives get substantially more ink than centrists or progressives. Needless to say, the comments devolve instantly into bickering over the meaning of “conservative,” “centrist” and “progressive.”

H/T: State38

Coulter: We’re Hot, You’re Not

I’m heartsick — heartsick, I tell you — over having missed Ann Coulter’s Friday appearance on the radio show of local conservatard Mike Rosen, but Colorado Media Matters comes to the rescue with this report. After advising us that liberals engage in personal attacks, whereas she does not, Coulter tells us how to distinguish liberal wimmins from conservative wimmins:

You can look out over the audience and, just on the basis of pulchritude, figure out who are the right-wingers and who are the liberals.

That’s the case because “college Republican girls are invariably beautiful.” Rosen, struggling to keep up, added that the Republichicks “shave their legs and they use underarm deodorant too . . . .”

The “conservative chicks are hot and liberal chicks are coyote ugly” thing has been part of Coulter’s aged and infirmed shtick for some time, but every example helps. Next time you comment on an internet discussion board about Coulter’s emaciated, mannish frame and how horrifically bad her cooter must smell, a winger will no doubt accuse you of trying to divert attention from the message. In that event, you can cite the above article and say, “But that IS the message. By her own test, Coulter is a tree hugging baby eating atheist commie liberal.”

Larry Craig: Still Guilty, Still a Senator

Hennepin County, Minnesota District Court Judge Charles Porter issued an order yesterday denying the motion of Senator Larry Craig (R-Stillgay) to withdraw his plea of guilty to a disorderly conduct charge stemming from his efforts to solicit sex from an undercover cop in an airport men’s room. The order and accompanying opinion are available here in pdf. The twenty-seven pages in the pdf file basically boils down to “Go fuck yourself”, but it’s a pretty good read nonetheless.

The good news is that Senator Craig will keep his ongoing efforts at political self-immolation public through January 2009, when his current Senate term expires. Unsurprisingly, Craig has reneged on his earlier statements that he’d resign. According to his latest statement:

“Over the course of my three terms in the Senate and five terms in the House, I have accumulated seniority and important committee assignments that are valuable to Idaho, not the least of which are my seats on the Appropriations Committee, the Energy and Natural Resources Committee and the Veterans’ Affairs Committee. A replacement would be highly unlikely to obtain these posts.”

It’s all for the people of Idaho, don’tcha know.  Never mind that those committee assignments ain’t what they used to be. That little factoid pales to complete insignificance when compared to what Idaho would lose if Larry cuts and runs.

Rock on, ya stupid bastard. You’re our totally heterosexual hero.

Althouse on Thomas

I don’t spend much time at University of Wisconsin lawprof Ann Althouse’s blog and neither should anyone else, but every general rule has its exceptions.

Prof. Althouse is blogging her way through Clarence Thomas’ book My Grandfather’s Son, and the results are just plain marvelous. A lengthy series of by turns insightful, scathing and hilarious entries is available here. Just find yourself a Thomas post and click on the Clarence Thomas tag at the end.

My favorite entry thus far is the one titled “Justice Thomas steels himself by listening, over and over, to ‘The Greatest Love of All'”, but there’s plenty of other gold to be mined in that series.

Clarence Thomas: “Character” is What Matters

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is busy selling his recently published book My Grandfather’s Son, reviewed in none-too-flattering terms here. Paul Mirengoff over at the conservative Power Line blog reports on last night’s Heritage Foundation dinner at which Thomas and his wife, Virginia, were the guests of honor.

Graced with a friendly audience, Thomas got off to a rousing start with:

Justice Thomas began his after-dinner remarks by saying he wishes the new media had been around at the time of his confirmation hearings because it “gets beyond the monopoly” held by the liberal media.

Recall that Thomas thinks the sole purpose of Establishment Clause was protect state-established religions from federal interference and, thus, doesn’t bind the states. That being true, it’s not especially shocking to find that he believes in nonexistents such as the liberal media.

But he wasn’t done there:

Justice Thomas argued that leadership and quality public service, whether in a bureaucracy or on a court, is much less a matter of resume and ideology than a matter of “character.”

“Character” in this context is quite the squishy term, of course, readily amenable to differing interpretations. As I see it, Thomas is to character what Hillary Clinton is to radical feminism, i.e., not a goddamn thing.

It’s not that hard, [Thomas] finds, to figure out the right direction or the correct legal answer.

Thomas is hardly alone in this regard, but believing that there’s a correct and readily discernible “answer” to every legal question is naive beyond description. Thomas would do well to read carefully a collection of essays by Judge Richard Posner published in a book titled Overcoming Law.

The challenge comes in having “the guts, fortitude, and intellectual honesty” to proceed uncompromisingly once one has figured this out.

Sounds good at first blush, but do we really need to catalog all the death and destruction this attitude has wrought over the millenia? Given Thomas’ views on what’s right and correct, we should probably be thankful that he’s “only” a Supreme Court justice as opposed to Commander in Chief.

This strength of character is particularly important when it comes to the Supreme Court, Thomas suggested, given the system of incentives that’s in place. Because the relevant audience is seen as the nation’s elites, the incentive is to appeal to that audience, which is liberal. Since judges are human, Thomas argued, they tend to respond in accord with this set of incentives. That helps explain why judges “grow in office.”

In Thomas’ strange little world, federal judges decide cases to curry favorable references in law review articles and score invitations to speak at Harvard and Columbia. Thomas has never been one to permit bits of flotsam such as reality trouble his views, but this nonsense is so utterly bereft of experiential grounding that one can only wish he could be compelled to spend a year doing grunt work for a federal trial court judge.

As one this blog’s contributors noted here, last term Thomas voluntarily assumed the position of “Old Weird Uncle Historian of the Court” vacated when Wild Bill Rehnquist died. With the Roberts Court’s second term in only its second day, we can only wonder what delightful nuggets of revisionism will fall from Thomas’ pen this time around.

MORE: Substantial chunks of Justice Thomas’ book and statements during promotional interviews are devoted shitting on Anita Hill. I’ll leave it to the professionals to comment on what that says about the inner workings of Thomas’ mind. Hill responds here.

For the strong of stomach, the drug-addled verbal fellatio Thomas recently received from Rush Limbaugh is available here.

EVEN MORE: New York PI lawyer Eric Turkewitz does some damn fine blawging, and his entry on Thomas is no exception.

Latest Boston Bomb Hoax Not a Bomb, Not Even a Hoax

The January 2007 non-bomb non-hoax Mooninite publicity stunt was ludicrous enough, but the absurdity of this shit transcends all description. The Head Thug in Charge says the woman in question is “lucky to be in a cell as opposed to the morgue.” It’s hard to say at this point what’s more appalling, the incident itself or shitstorm pouring forth from legions of ‘net denizens siding with the authorities.

Welcome to George W. Bush’s America, where kneejerk irrationality has become a way of life and we have nothing to fear but being insufficiently afraid.

Never forget.