Odious Buffoon Found Guilty of Sexual Assault

Vincent “Don Vito” Margera, uncle of vacuous douchebag and all-around waste of life Bam Margera of Jackass and Viva La Bam fame, made a public appearance at a Denver area skate park back in August 2006. Between photo ops and signing autographs, Don Vito found time to fondle the breasts and backsides of two twelve-year-old girls and a fourteen-year-old.

While we were trying our boring-ass probate case this week, a jury in the same courthouse found Vito guilty on two of the three Sexual Assault on a Child counts against him. Vito, who weighs several thousand pounds and — from what I’ve seen of Viva La Bam — specializes in gibbering loudly and incoherently, fell to the floor screaming “Just kill me now. I can’t spend my (expletive) life in prison. I didn’t do anything.” Eight or so sheriff’s deputies managed to get Vito under control and haul his mastadonish ass out of the courtroom.

And this is only the beginning. Vito will be back in court next month to enter pleas on a whole new batch of charges relating to alleged violations of the terms of his release on bond:

On Dec. 10, Margera will appear in court to enter pleas on 12 felony counts of violating bail-bond conditions, which included checking in by telephone twice a week, random urinalysis, no contact with children younger than 18 and no drugs or alcohol.

Happy trails, Don Vito. And don’t worry. I hear tell that inmates in Colorado’s state prison system are super duper kind to child molesters.

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